GuamaMama

Haven't posted in awhile. It seems as if momdom is my whole being and existence. I like to think that someday, I'll be able to just run away on vacations by myself because I will have raised a totally self-possessed child through some innate grace, wisdom, and charm, plus a whole lot of love. But I find myself reduced to using scare tactics or manipulative chants when he acts up like "So you don't love me anymore, huh? I'm gonna go back to work now. Bye. See, I'm holding the keys? See? Mama's leaving now...I'm putting on my shoes and going out the door...I'm not coming back..." etc...

Pathetic.

I don't profess to be the best mom or the most knowledgeable, but I do constantly tell him I love him. I love how the youthfulness of his skin makes me want to eat him up when I hold him. I love to ask him questions and listen to his surreal responses. I love being mildly shocked when he kisses my feet and laughs or says that "mommy has a wee wee". I love that he instintively hums and makes up songs while working on a project. I love being dazzled by his memory of things that took place half a life ago for him. I love how he pushes and pushes boundaries, asking me to lift him up onto dangerous edges to perch or to jump fearlessly higher and higher on the bed. I love that he wrote a song at the age of two and sings it as he jumps higher and higher on the bed: "My take a bath go down...my take a bath go down." Wow, what does THAT mean?

I'm tired. I'm physically sick and can't get well. I'm worn down from working hard at work and at home. I'm emotionally taxed to my limit. And sometimes I'm tired of mothering. But then that feeling never lasts long because I really love my baby. And when I am in the midst of experiencing all those things I love about him, the hurt of life disappears long enough for me to remember that my baby is really my life.

posted by techa @ 1:29 PM